“How could two human beings who are base have sympathy of spirit one with the other? Or how could one that is good be in harmony with one that is bad? No more than a crooked piece of wood could be fitted to a straight one, or two crooked ones be put together.” Musonius Rufus.

Stoicism is frequently applied to one’s own life. It’s utilized to assist people to stay focused and unfazed whether they’re going through a difficult period or facing difficulty. However, it can also be used between two people to maintain a relationship’s love strong.

Love, understanding, variety, progress, and happiness are all factors that can help a relationship succeed. In a relationship, practicing stoicism can help to support all these attributes.

Both Marcus Aurelius and Seneca wrote about their wives with affection. Seneca, who lost his only kid, writes so brilliantly about the joys of parenthood that it’s apparent how much he loved his family. Cato, the colossal Roman Stoic who fought Julius Caesar, was profoundly devoted to his daughter (and she for him).

When the Stoics love, they were also concerned that their feelings would lead to contrary to their philosophy. Stoic happiness (eudaimonia) is lived without passion, desire, sadness, grief, or fear. As a result, when Stoic thinkers speak about love, it is frequently in the context of lofty ideals, glorifying virtue and equating love for glory, fortune, pleasure, lavish living, and others indifferent to a feverish desire irrational and hard to satiate.

In love, the Stoic would advise you to concentrate on what you can control. Accept your human existence and the limitations imposed by nature. Recognize that you cannot own what you adore. We have loved ones on loan to us, and we should cherish them if they are with us. When they are gone, though, we should not be sad or distressed by their absence.

These are unquestionably tricky pills to swallow. At the same time, we must keep in mind that moderation is an essential component of Stoic virtue.

Although the Stoics never compromise on philosophical principles, they allow for a broad spectrum of emotional responses if they are reasonable and founded on proper knowledge and judgment.

Remember that the Stoic attitude is to be always active and in command, watchful, and never passive. Allowing yourself to be moved and emotionally persuaded is not the same as being heartless or passive. It’s also not mutually exclusive when it comes to love.

What Does Stoicism Say About Love?

Stoic philosophy has come to be associated with a life devoid of passion and emotion. When we describe someone as “stoic,” we’re referring to the fact that they don’t display any emotion when confronted with a scenario.

Given this misconception, it would be fascinating to learn more about how stoic philosophers treated the concept of love, using passages from their writings to gain a better understanding of how their relationships and sentiments affected their life.

Let us begin with Marcus Aurelius, one of the most prominent stoic philosophers:

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive — to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” Marcus Aurelius

Life was all about appreciating what you have at the time for stoics. The essential thing was to appreciate what you had. On the other hand, unrequited love would be looked upon. If you spent your life wishing for something you couldn’t have, it was a waste of time:

“We live only now. Everything else is either passed or is unknown.” Marcus Aurelius

Epictetus reminded himself and others that everything we love is fleeting. Another premise of stoic philosophy is that everything we care about, including ourselves, will fade away:

“(Your love) has been given to you for the present, not that it should not be taken from you, nor has it been given to you for all time, but as a fig is given to you or a bunch of grapes at the appointed season of the year. But if you wish for these things in winter, you are a fool.” Epictetus

Even though we all understand this, accepting the impermanence of all things, particularly relationships, has always been difficult. Reminding yourself of the nature of things you love, according to Epictetus, might help you grasp the nature of love and loss. Though these words may appear harsh to our modern ears, they serve as a reminder that love in our lives is always lost and renewed:

“With regard to whatever objects give you delight, are useful, or are deeply loved, remember to tell yourself of what general nature they are, beginning from the most insignificant things. If, for example, you are fond of a specific ceramic cup, remind yourself that it is only ceramic cups in general of which you are fond. Then, if it breaks, you will not be disturbed. If you kiss your child, or your wife, say that you only kiss things which are human, and thus you will not be disturbed if either of them dies.” Epictetus

Acceptance

Stoicism is a convenient philosophy. Every piece of advice you receive will be centered on making rational and logical judgments. Acceptance is the first step in any relationship.

Acceptance in a relationship entails accepting everything that has happened and will happen in the future. You and your partner will both have defects and characteristics that the other finds unappealing. But keep in mind because you love your partner: you accept their shortcomings and work with them because you care about them.

In your relationship, you’ll both make mistakes. You’ll have arguments, conflicts, even harm each other on occasion. That doesn’t imply you’ll break up and detest each other for the rest of your lives. It just indicates you’re irritated with each other now. Please don’t be concerned about it, and don’t think about it for too long. What has occurred has occurred, and time has passed. Now is the moment to accept the situation, move on, and learn from it.

Control your emotions

You would think that Stoic philosophy is all about removing our feelings. Instead, Stoicism promotes emotional regulation, in which you manage and understand your emotions rather than being governed by them.

Have you ever become suspicious that your partner is cheating for no apparent reason? Even though they have no history of cheating and show all the fidelity signals, you can’t help but suspect (and perhaps even anger) that they are. You’d probably lash out at your partner or question them about your paranoia, resulting in a confrontation and possibly damaging their and your trust in each other.

We should let go of our emotions if reality does not match our sentiments. Perhaps your previous boyfriend cheated on you, causing you to be suspicious of your current partner. It is your responsibility to acknowledge this as the cause, not anything your current spouse has done. You are most certainly thinking this way because of trauma, and you should work on resolving that trauma (not unleashing it on your partner).

Seek to understand why you feel the way you do; if facts don’t support your feelings, it’s best to let them go. (Imagine how many relationships have ended prematurely because one or both partners could not grasp their feelings!) If necessary, seek expert assistance; you might be shocked by what you find.

Working on your compassion and inner strength, as the Stoics advise, can be the difference between a fulfilling romantic relationship and one filled with rage and bitterness. Give it a shot, you could discover you have more in common with the ancient Greeks than you ever imagined!

Emotionless and cold

People who have a misunderstanding of stoic philosophy frequently use these two terms. This notion isn’t entirely false on the surface, but it ignores the emotional context of Stoicism.

Consider the following stoic philosophy quote on emotions:

“Not to display anger or other emotions. To be free of passion and yet full of love.” Marcus Aurelius

This quote’s opening statement supports the view that Stoicism in relationships is merely a fantasy. How can a person have a healthy relationship without expressing emotion?

Constant development

The stoics also emphasize the importance of deliberate and continuous improvement. Every area of one’s life should be viewed as an opportunity to improve oneself. That approach also applies to romantic relationships.

Variety in the relationship is crucial to keep things fun and intriguing, just like they were when you first started dating. Variety is the spice of life, and it makes everything a little bit better. So, try a new restaurant with your partner, try a new activity, go for a walk in a different section of town, or spice up your sex life. Anything that gives your relationship some spice and variation.

Growth is the other aspect of this. It’s critical that both you and your partner feel like you’re progressing in your life together. It would help if you were taking preventative measures in this regard. Propose to your lover that the two of you learn a new skill or start a new interest together. Sit down and think about how you can both contribute to making each other’s life more fulfilling. These are activities in which you and your partner take deliberate steps to assist each other in growing. The ongoing improvement of your connection will be aided by both variety and growth.

Making the best of every circumstance

When it comes to variety and growth, you won’t always get them. You’ll have moments in your relationship when you want to relax and unwind. There will be no new restaurants, hobbies, or serious endeavors.

That’s perfectly OK as well! The stoics are perfectly content with this. Things in your life will not always be exciting, but you can always make them exciting and enjoyable for yourself. It’s all about how you approach the circumstance.

If you’re stuck in traffic on your way to an event, consider it an opportunity to spend some quality time with your companion. Are you tired and want to unwind at home while watching Netflix? Enjoy your time with your spouse in the comfort of your own home, as well as the fact that it’s a short and easy date.

Time spent at home on the couch, cooking together, doing yard chores, or simply going for a walk can all be made enjoyable and enjoyable. It all boils down to maintaining an upbeat attitude. So put a smile on your face and enjoy yourself!

So,

Stoic relationship is tempered by a sense of impending loss, the possibility of treason, and the fact that our feelings may change over time. The Stoic, being a lover of virtue, sees virtue in others. Unrequited love is absurd from a Stoic perspective since my virtuous disposition, not the acquisition of love or sex, is the foundation for my happiness. Because of his dynamic personality, the Stoic lover will value giving love more than getting it. The lover can renounce the individual’s love because he or she is tuned to the whole — the globe, the universe, mankind — and in a sense “loved” by it. Individualized love isn’t unimportant; on the contrary, it’s the extent and core of love.